I am beginning to see the woman I want to be. I am beginning to get a much clearer picture of what she looks like and I do know one thing for a fact it is not what she used to look like. I do not want to be her anymore.It is cowardly compared to the woman I want to be. Its highs do not get me high anymore. A woman of integrity, fairness, justice, modesty, and compassion does not act the way she would. She would cower in fear afraid to face the light, afraid to let love in. Today, I can strive to be selfless rather that selfish. I must be if there shall be honor. I will learn to stop latching so tightly onto people as she had. For people could never be controlled and she nearly drove herself mad trying to. A true warrior lets people be exactly what they are, is courageous, and forgiving. I have been reflecting a lot this past week and have had many revelations. It has been a bizarre state that I have been in but I have tried to embrace it. Tonight, I may feel pain for the woman I once was and fear for the woman I want to be but I am embracing it. I am accepting the responsibility of being myself. A responsibility the universe has asked of me. Tonight it feels at a cost but tomorrow I can hope that I will be living with integrity for the choices I have made instead of running to another distraction, running from myself.
How am I supposed to believe my life has any value when to society I am a case number, a social security number, a consumer, a credit score, a medical record number, an employee ID number, a student ID number, a policy number, where exactly am I in all of this? Where exactly is my significance more than the last few dollars I had once worked so hard to save up? I’m so sorry I asked for medical help if only I had known years later I’d still be paying for it. But for my future to have any financial security to look forward too is of no significance. Whether or not I will be able to have any money for a family is out of the question. I will be in these chains as I set off to another 40 hour work week and hear how I bound myself. Tell me how I can get out of this when even with a steady paycheck I am always in the same position, not moving forward, holding on tight to not move backward and staying constantly stagnant. Funny thing is is that I do not even care about this arbitrary piece of cotton stock fiber paper that exists solely because of the continuous imagined order, but I am forced to care because everyone else does. How do I get free from this?
The amount of guilt I feel on days like these is indescribable. It feels like a pain that I cannot relinquish. A fire burns inside that has swallowed me whole before. I’m trying to not be under its flames anymore.
When I was younger I let the loss of someone out of my life completely destroy me. For someone to leave it meant complete annihilation. But as I age and mature I am learning that when I see myself as one and as a whole being other people become less of a necessity and more of an added bonus to my life. With or without that person I am still one and whole. When I can believe I am enough the pain is much more tolerable.
My journey through one of the best science fiction books ever wrote. Journey with me through the most memorable passages….
A Canticle for Leibowitz
Walter M. Miller Jr.
“The closer men came to perfecting for themselves a paradise, the more impatient they seemed to become with it, and with themselves as well. They made a garden of pleasure and became progressively more miserable with it as it grew in richness, it was easier for them to see that something was missing in the garden, some tree or shrub that would not grow.”
“Men must fumble awhile with error to separate it from truth, I think – as long as they don’t seize the error hungrily because it has a pleasanter taste.”
“Because a doubt is not a denial. Doubt is a powerful tool and it should be be applied to history.”
“What’s the truth, he asked quietly what’s to be believed? Or does it matter at all? When mass murders been answered with mass murder, rape with rape, hate with hate, there’s no longer much meaning in asking whose ax is the bloodiest. Evil, on evil, piled on evil.”
“To communicate a fact seemed always to lend it fuller existence.”
” To minimize suffering and to maximize security were natural and and proper ends of society. But then they became the only ends, somehow and the only basis of law – a perversion. Inevitably, then in seeking only them, we found only their opposites. Maximum suffering and minimum security.”